15 Sep When things go perfectly wrong
I was so excited! I couldn’t wait to embark on my adventure. I had just signed up for a week long Stand Up Paddle Board Yoga Training in gorgeous Grand Lake, Colorado. I still needed to collect 40 more elective hours for my 500RYT and this was the perfect solution! However, despite the delicious Colorado mountain air this trip turned out to be anything but fantastic for me.
Almost from the moment I arrived I slipped into a heavy depression that stuck with me until the last day.
There was no true rhyme or reason to my sudden onset of depression. I initially tried to snap myself out of it, and recognize how lucky I was to be there, but the Universe had other plans. For some reason the cosmos were determined to keep me steadfast in my depressive state and kept piling emotionally, mentally, and physically taxing scenarios on my plate. Altitude sickness so severe that it kept me from sleeping and made it difficult to breath or stand. The onset of my painful and emotionally turbulent period the day I arrived. A less then fortunate bathroom setup in my cabin that made managing my bladder disease and anxiety disorder impossible. No meat, sugar, dairy or eggs for the entirety of the training. And lastly, the unexpected cold front that hit Grand Lake that week that made the lake water 35 degrees and miserable to fall into.
The Universe was determined to force me to face some seriously ignored emotions.
Facing my emotions of guilt and shame for feeling depressed during a trip that was so beautifully planned and perfectly intended was the first battle. I instantly judged myself for not having the experience I was “suppose” to be having. I had spent good money, flown all the way out here, and invested over a week of my time and I needed to have a good time. I needed to buck up and be tough, and deal.
Was that really what I needed, or was it what I thought I needed?
I thought to myself, I prayed and prayed and prayed for this trip to go “right”, I manifested and planned down to the waterproof underwear I packed! Why do I feel like this?
The answer to my question is that even when things don’t go as perfectly as planned they are perfectly intended.
“Everything happens for a reason”, although considered a cliché this saying couldn’t be more true. God, the Universe, your spirit guides and your own soul conspire together to create situations and scenarios perfectly intended to evoke the growth, emotions, and lessons you came here to learn. This human life is an experiment that your soul has signed up for. “Bad” things happen because your soul wants and needs to experience them. It is when you learn to accept and honor the divine planning of every single action and event in your life that you can begin to trust. Often times it can be almost impossible to see the purpose behind an unfortunate circumstance so instead you balk and deny. However if instead you decide to relax into the pain, the suffering, and misfortune, you might be surprised to find the pain melts away faster. The more you trust life’s flow the more easily you will sail over whitewater safely. In paddle-board yoga, if you grip the board out of fear of falling, you will ultimately fall; you must relax into the waves and the shakiness to stand tall.
The same is with life, you must let go, trust, and release expectations to accomplish serenity.
I know this trip to CO was forcing me to relive repressed depression. From the ages 11- 15, I experienced heavy, heavy depression. I remember like it was yesterday when I recognized that what I was feeling was called depression, like I was Peter Pan discovering the name of a never before felt mystery. I was on the bus home from an extremely traumatic summer camp experience and I was so “happy” to be returning home. I put happy in quotes, because it was almost like that’s what I should have been feeling but I wasn’t. Once I got home I ran straight to the shower and stood under the water for hours in a daze, I was so confused as to why I didn’t feel better. That night in my bedroom I asked my mother, “What is this terrible sadness, why can’t I shake this, will I feel this way forever?” She explained that I had depression and I needed to be patient with myself.
That was the first time I heard the word depressed. I am as stubborn as a mule so I refused to feel this thing called depression. Not long after I got home my grandfather passed and I was thrust into a new school, the Universe was asking me to feel my pain, but yet I refused. For four years I sank deeper, I saw therapists, had acupuncture, but nothing worked because I refused to accept it and fully let it in. I was moving alongside my depression, not through it. Finally , after I suppressed it deep enough, I was able to “move on” but would frequently experience situational depression for no reason. For many years traumatic events kept following me , still asking me to feel my pain. My parents divorced and my family fell apart, my high school sweetheart of four years broke my heart, I was diagnosed with OCD, insomnia and GAD, yet despite each event I still evaded my depression brushing it off like a pesky fly.
So although I assumed my trip to Colorado was intended to be a splendid getaway, I wasn’t aware the Universe had something else in store for me. The perfectly intended purpose of this trip was to allow me to feel through the massive amount of sadness I had been running from for years.
Upon venturing to Grand Lake I could feel something tremendous was going to happen so I prayed for the highest good of my trip to occur. Once I released this prayer I felt safe that my guides would take care of everything. However little did I know that the highest good was not necessarily the happiest good. The Universe, my angels, and even my own higher self conspired to crack me wide open. Like with a geode they were breaking me free so I could see the sparkly druzy in the middle. I had two options, I could fight it, force myself to be “happy”, have a stiff upper lip, shove my depression aside repressing it even further; or I could move through the pain, dispelling it, healing it. Thankfully, this time, I chose the later.
Once I decided to accept that this trip wasn’t going to be how I expected it too I could feel myself finally moving through the grief and pain. For once I wasn’t shaming myself for feeling the way I did and I wasn’t shaming myself for being a giant woos; I was accepting myself. As I was walking back to my cabin, wiping tears from my eyes I ran smack into a doe. The doe is the animal guide for my sacral chakra as well as known for being an animal the represents trust. She stood so serenely; unafraid and whispered to me that everything would be just fine. She coaxed me to trust myself, trust the flow, and trust that everything is divinely intended.
Every action we make, every word we speak, every trauma we face, is deeply and perfectly intended. When I was speaking with my mother about what drew me to this Colorado trip and what pulled me to this raw experience, she said to me “Desire fuels your destiny”. I was deeply inclined to attend this training because I needed to be cracked open. I was required to finally feel my repressed sorrow, and this is how it was magically planned to be unleashed. Who you are and what happens to you is sacred and destined to help you on your way. The parts of yourself that you fear or judge are the special gifts you have brought to the world. Your wounds and the eventful journey you are traveling through life is shaping this experience. We are spirits having a human experience not humans having a spiritual one. You signed up for this; trust your choices, trust God’s plan for you. Remember that the highest good is not always what feels good, but it is what’s meant to happen to help you heal, grow and ascend, even if you can’t see it now. You can pray and ask for the highest good as well as ask to understand how a scenario is benefiting you. Release and let go, the quicker you relax into the pain the faster it will dissipate, I promise! By the last day of the trip I started to see the sun rays of my joy creeping back in, and now that I am home I feel a lightness in my body that is unfamiliar but so, so welcomed.
Trust. Trust your intuition, trust your choices. Do not label anything as wrong or right, but recognize it as what is meant to be to add to your human experience.